Interview: Thurgood Von Whitebread

I've known Thurgood Von Whitebread since we were both kids. He lived in a veritable castle down the block, had a vert ramp, and was always letting us party over at his place. I lost track of him after high school but after checking out some skate auction merchandise on eBay I noticed his name come up a couple of times and have since found that he has become one of the world's leading skateboard deck and memorabilia collectors. I got a hold of him for an interview recently.

DC: Yo Thurgood, what up man? Long time no see!
TVW: Ah yes, my good man. It's been some time since our destinies last crossed paths. A toast to merry old England!
DC: So, if I remember you fucking always collected mega shit. In fact, you always had a gang of mint-ass condition decks just laying around the old crib, dog. Is that mostly what you're dealing these days?
TVW: (Chuckles) Why you haven't changed at all over the years, you raucous imp! Mother! Avert your ears! The motley plebeian jester has once again graced us with his jocular mirth. Why yes, my dear culturally deprived underling, I do in fact often deal the very decks upon which you once set your morally bankrupt otic organs.
DC: Damn... I remember those bad babies were just laying all over the place back then. You, uh, still just letting 'em chill like that? I mean, if I could score a couple decks I might be able to trade 'em for a sack of endo or something.

Sir Thurgood Von Whitebread

TVW: Why heavens no, you childlike waif! They are all locked securely in the impenetrable vaults of the royal treasury.
DC: Damn, G. You can't part with any of those mufuckas? Weed don't be growing on bushes and shit, you know.
TVW: Ha. Your childlike beggary is amusing as always. It reminds me of back in the "day" as you menial types of the laboring classes refer to it, when you and your lawless band of disaffected social miscreants used to "hang" at our "crib."
DC: That was the shit, right! We got fucked up in the east turret for about a month before they kicked us out of there dog... My ass fell in the moat and shit.

TVW: Interesting, my malodorous plebe, that many of my prized decks seemed to disappear during that month-long riotous fete... 'Twas only a coincidence, I'm sure.
DC: Well we figured if you weren't gonna ride 'em... I mean, nah, dog, we didn't steal shit... er, what you said.
TVW: Ah but I managed to protect the main corpus of memorabilia!
DC: Dude, I didn't even know they made fingernail pads and shit. So how did you know all this skate shit was gonna be worth all this money today? I mean, we just rode our boards, we didn't really think about saving 'em in mint condition and shit. Damn, you even gots photos of Jay Boy and shit... how'd you know dumasses, I mean collectors would wanna buy all that crap?
TVW: If, in your barbaric vernacular, you are referring to my photo collection, it only includes epic and iconic shots of influential pop culture pioneers.
DC: You mean old skate mufuckas like me?
TVW: (Laughs) Oh your merry wit is sublime. I've never seen you in Juice Magazine!
DC: Fuck. I guess you're right. I ain't getting shit off skating... I guess you were smart all along not to actually skate and just keep the boards.
TVW: Youthful naivete leads not to wealth, my inglorious halfbreed.
DC: Yo, man, come to think of it, I, uh, do got some, uh, old mint conditioned-ass decks and shit for you back at the crib if you, uh, wanna buy 'em and shit... Just, uh, gimme till tomorrow... I gotta score some spray paint, I mean, I gotta make sure the shrink wrapping isn't scratched up and shit...
TVW: Well done, my man! I'll buy whatever epic and iconic youth culture relics with which you can part. To eBay!
DC: Heh... we'll see who the stoopid mutha-fucka is now, bitch... er, I mean, cool, Thurgood, nice talking to you... hey is your sister still around?
TVW: You know damned well what happened to her, Jeeves.
DC: Oh yeah, the fucking moat! Sorry about that shit, brah.

So there you have it. Thurgood Von Whitebread, skateboard collector extraordinaire, visionary, and memorabilia archivist. Damn, if I'd only known, I'd have some cash to go with these memories and scars and shit. If I could just find a way to profit off of the actual experience of skateboarding...