Surveillance Log: Day One

Bill McPherson, undercover skate cop here. I've been assigned to carry out surveillance on the local skate park and infiltrate the wild band of radical skate rebels who are corrupting the area youth by promoting their communistic, demonic skate cult. Recently, I met some dumb-ass looking dude who runs this web site who agreed to post my surveillance log for the benefit of concerned citizens everywhere.

Big score today at checkpoint "Loco." A group of the "old fuck" skaters showed up at the park... I knew it was them immediately when their marijuana smoke-clouded Pinto came to a skidding halt against a telephone pole in the parking lot upon arrival. Several impressionable kids from the park immediately approached the vehicle and appeared to purchase various illegal substances from its (clearly) inebriated occupants. In an odd twist of events, another kid seemed to trade some illicit substances of his own for a skateboard. Several of the older commies then proceeded to either urinate or vomit outside the vehicle, one complaining loudly of an uncontrollable crab infestation on his "nut sack" and warning the others not to frequent a particular well-known area brothel.

Suspected Ringleader "Old Crusty Nuts" (File Photo)

The older miscreants then proceeded to lug several coolers of beer and an extremely large marijuana bong over to the park and begin to skate, smoke and drink... excessively. In fact, in all my days on the force, I've never seen a more blatant display of mindless civil disobedience... all of it enveloped in a veritable cloud of the most vile, ungodly language imaginable. The younger park participants seemed rather awed by this demonstration, and several of them were soon heard commenting about their new found desire to check out the aforementioned whorehouse frequented by the older skater, whom everyone referred to as "Crusty Nuts."  He seems to be the ringleader.

Oh, what evil lurks in the hearts of these radical rousers of retarded rabble? The crew of drunken miscreants proceeded to skate the park ruthlessly, only pausing to heckle the younger skaters mercilessly. Several area youths were seen exiting the park in tears, vowing never to skate again (and, if I must editorialize here, thank heavens for that!). Other youths joined in the hazing, imitating these older derelicts in the style and substance of their verbal and physical abuse of the younger "kooks," as they called them. Let me tell you, it took every ounce of professional training as an undercover agent to keep from personally intervening on behalf of these poor youngsters, especially when the older crowd began going "monkey style" on them, which is their description of their despicable habit of literally defecating in their own hands and throwing it at the unsuspecting little ones!

God, how I yearn to lay the heavy hands of American justice, the mighty torch of wholesome law and order on the guilty brows of these wayward hoodlums. But I council patience, my friend! I must bide my time! Having identified Crusty Nuts, it only remains to dredge up evidence on the rest of this incorrigible band of skateboarding, Satan-worshipping hooligans for the forces of righteousness to prevail! My next move? Even now, I'm inflating my blow up doll in the hopes of using it as bait for a conversation piece with these lowlifes; I've been told Tanya will give me instant credibility among this outlaw crew. Once I master their radical skate vernacular, I'll be ready for tomorrow's operation: Infiltration!

Bill McPherson: Undercover Skate Cop

My job? To clean up the streets by eliminating the radical band of skateboarding ruffians who have infiltrated our community. That's right, thanks to the limp-wristed, socialist Obama administration, a public skate park has been built right here in America! And let me tell you, the reefer blowing teenage malcontents who frequent the place are a pretty tough crowd.

We ought to fry the lot of them, I say. If electrocution doesn't scare the rest of the kids straight, then lock 'em up in an impenetrable dungeon somewhere. But "no," the damn sergeant says, before I can fire a single round at these youngsters, I have to infiltrate the wild band of older skaters! That's right, the so-called "old fucks" who don't come to the park, but who spread their evil, subversive skate doctrine by selling drugs and whores to these unwitting teenage accomplices.

So, thanks to Sarge, I've been carrying out surveillance on the local park scene for some time now, hoping against hope that the older crew will show up. But so far, it's just me and these little bastards. Believe me, I've come to hate these young communist Anti-Christs! Look at the little bastards skateboarding... right out in public. There's not a single referee anywhere in sight. No common shower. No cheerleaders... No wonder they call these guys "skater queers." I haven't seen one fight break out amongst any of them yet! Oh... wait. There's one. Anyway, these young punks mock upstanding social values with their wild maneuvers and unfettered style of dress... undoubtedly influenced by those scary older fucks whose ungodly, anti-American antics have cost this damn country more than desegregating our armed forces! How are we supposed to invade our neighbors, burn down their cities and rape their women with a bunch of raving homos created by this demonic skate cult! I mean, I even offered to give one of these punks some money if he'd quit skating for just a minute... and he didn't take it! Refusing money! Next thing you know, these kids won't kill for oil, or even for money itself or... (choke, gasp) for God!!!! It's downright sadistic!

Thanks be to God, I met this guy from the Daily Coiler in the parking lot today! Ha ha! He was on an undercover park surveillance mission too, he told me! And, get this, he can get me into the wild ruffian gang of radical skaters whom Sarge says I have to infiltrate... That's right, whom. All I have to do is learn how to skate and I'll fit right in, he says. Hell, he says if I just bring a six pack and my... er, I mean, a blow up doll I'm in. Talk about a score! Plus, get this: He says he'll post my log (he thought that was really funny for some reason) right on this here web site so good citizens everywhere can follow my heroic efforts as I save America's youth by bringing to justice the insane band of skate hoodlums whose communist "citizenship" resulted in this goddamned skate park being constructed by our queer city council.

Can you believe they used taxes to pay for it??? Instead of our tax dollars going to inadequately arm Latin Americans seeking citizenship so as to secure oil revenue for the ultra-rich, destroying not only a country, but an entire geo-political region, those pink-lipped, monkey-docking, cum garglers put money into something constructive!!! Goddamn it... pretty soon those bastards will start funding bullshit like edu-fucking-cation again, just like in the 1980s... in Russia!

Any goddamn way, I figure, since me and Coiler boy are both out of ideas, and especially considering that no one ever sends pictures of these older mutha fuckin' skate hoodlums actually skating, this is good enough for now. So, if you've read this far, we appreciate it, bitch. You're one hell of a loyal Coiler follower. However, let me be the first to warn you: your loyalty may subject you to following my adventures in the coming episodes of Bill McPherson: Undercover Skate Cop!!!!! Or maybe not. Fuck it... The Coiler is only as good as the participation of its citizens. Act now... or watch the goddamn commies take over... again!

D.I.E. Skates

D.I.E. Skates is Tom and Elmer's (of Piney Flats Skate Punk Crew fame) new venture. The acronym stands for Do It yErself. They met me down at their new shop which, to my astonishment, was stocked with nothing but chainsaws and some seriously fucked-up looking shop decks... in fact, the latter seemed to be hand-made single plies. I sat down with them and they explained their concept.

DC: So where did the whole D.I.E. thing come from?
Tom: Well, last time I was in the bing I was reflecting on just how much I wanted for myself and pretty much everyone in the world to die. So I just thought it would be a cool name for a skate company.
Elmer: Plus it fit with the whole "do it yerself" concept. We were tired of seeing skate companies that try to act all punk but fucking don't really exist on a d.i.y. type level. We wanted to get back to some shit where the skaters take control and literally do it themselves.
DC: So how does that work?

D.I.E. Skateshop

Elmer: After I busted out of the joint we were skating this park and these kids were wanting to buy boards from us and shit. I was like, "look kid, there's a fucking tree right there. Cut it down and make your own goddamn skateboard. Don't wait for some fucking commie Chinese skate company to do it for you. Do it yerself! Now go die!"
Tom: Then it was like, "damn! There's fucking trees every goddamned place... why the fuck aren't skaters making their own decks instead of buying the shit from a bunch of pinkos who don't really even skate?" I mean, I support anything that's fucking wrong with the world, but subjecting workers in a communist country to the work environment dictated by a capitalist free market is too much even for me to take, dude. 
DC: So is that where the whole chainsaw thing comes from?
Tom: Hell yeah. Come in here and fucking take one of our saws--we'll even lube it up for you--and go chop down your own tree. It's fucking d.i.y. to the essence, dude. Real punk shit. Fuck the environment... fuck the world for that matter.
DC: So that's it? Just go chop down a tree and make a deck somehow? You got any glue or anything?
Elmer: What am I? A fucking scientist? Figure it out yourself you little bitch.
DC: But, I mean wouldn't it make sense to at least rent out the chainsaws or something? How the hell can you make any money?
Tom: Damn, you're stupid. If you "got" the punk thing at all you'd understand we ain't no sell out ass bitches. We ain't selling shit. Strictly hardcore.

D.I.Y. deck crafting

Elmer: Besides, we're perfectly capable of kicking your ass and taking your money. We don't have to sell you anything, dude.
DC: What about these shop... er, "decks" I guess you'd call them? Aren't they for sale... or are they "team" boards?
Elmer: Well, yeah, I guess technically you got us there. We do "sponsor" a lot of the local skaters. But it's rad, though. We only charge $15 bucks a board, so it really helps everyone out.
DC: One of your shop riders is a homeless Vietnam vet with no legs who pan handles from a wheelchair! He broke your shop deck by eating tacos off of it! He claims you make him buy two, three decks a week at gun point!
Elmer: No, we "sponsor" him, just like any other shop does. Our decks may not be the same quality as some, but since we're grandfathered in at the wood shop we basically get them for free and can make a few bucks selling them to our team members for cheap. It keeps the local scene alive, dude. Plus cheap shit is way more punk than good shit. You'd know that if you weren't a poser.
DC: Some of these kids buy three or four decks a week and then go around telling everyone they're sponsored! You don't think that's taking advantage of a thirteen-year-old? If a kid's really sponsored, why not legitimately hook him up with free shit instead of making profit off of him?
Tom: I got a question for you. How you gonna keep asking all these questions with a chainsaw shoved up your ass? We told you we're d.i.y. Pretty soon you're gonna start asking about our Nike deal or what?
Elmer: Yeah, dude. We're punk cuz we say so. Don't you understand that old skate punks are entitled to make millions of dollars off skating one way or another? I mean, didn't you watch the Dogtown movie? I bet the guys featured in that became instant millionaires when it came out.
Tom: Exactly. Punk's about freedom, dude. Specifically, it's about the freedom to be a fuck up your whole life and then cash in on it. Other than that, there are no rules, dude. So quit fucking blowing our scene with your "do-gooder" questions.
Elmer: But before you go, gimme your wallet, bitch... Oh, and remember, the new shop decks are in! Go ahead and take a couple, since you're on the team and shit. Let's see, that'll be... ten, twenty... hey! You owe us ten bucks, mother fucker!

I'm not sure if D.I.E. Skates is going to enable Tom and Elmer to "cash in," as per their sense of entitlement, but I can tell you that this advertising platform for their new shop is absolutely free to them! Here's hoping that other companies will wise up and allow us to pay them to advertise for them as well. Now that's punk. Why? Cuz Tom and Elmer said so!

*UPDATE* Heavy Night at the Masque

Editor's Note: Not many people seemed to get this one. Literally. So, the idea is to go over to uber-blog PunkNOTprofit and download F-Word's 1978 "Like it or Not (Live)" album which, if you haven't heard of these guys, is one of the best punk rock albums ever to come out of the LA scene, IMHO. Get it here: http://punknotprofit.blogspot.com/search/label/F-Word but keep in mind that the commentary that goes with the free download is basically erroneous. Rik L. Rik went on to sing with San Francisco's Negative Trend shortly after F-Word broke up... it was Negative Trend that Shatter, etc., later Flipper members played for, not F-Word. If you want to hear Rik with Negative Trend, get the classic "Beach Blvd." compilation from Posh Boy Records.

Man, it was pretty heavy at the Masque last night. Kind of a weird mix of hippies and art school types milling around and, from the get go, it just seemed like there was trouble brewing. The few dyed in the wool punks who turned out basically had to instruct all the hangers on how to pogo... lame. But the billing lived up to its hype. UXA opened and seemed to put on a good show but, since I got there a little late, I missed most of it. By all accounts they were worth checking out for sure and I could tell they got things off to a good start. The Controllers then proceeded to rip through about ten songs in fifteen minutes and definitely got the crowd into it. A lot of the hippies split after their first song but I could tell that most of the art school fucks were gonna go home and cut their hair first thing after the show.

F-Word

F-Word closed the place down with a raucous performance! They were absolutely aggro! They had everyone in a frenzy with favorites like "Hillside Strangler" and, by the time they got to "Government Official," you could tell the LAPD guys posted at the door were gonna try to shut the place down. In true form, Rick L. Rick, who I think is the best front man in punk rock hands down, saw the opportunity and the band launched into the club classic "Shut Down." The confrontation was on and everyone started throwing bottles at the police... there would have been an all-out riot if Rick hadn't intervened and calmed everyone down. No one got arrested as far as I could tell, and the real drama seemed to be among the F-Word band members. I guess the word's that Dim Wanker's gonna call it quits. Too bad cuz F-Word are the best LA punk band today, in my opinion. But fuck it, we're all gonna die anyway, right? Stoked I got to see a good show from these guys before they get all hippie on us. All in all, it was a pretty heavy damn night, as usual, down at the club.