Bill McPherson: Undercover Skate Cop

My job? To clean up the streets by eliminating the radical band of skateboarding ruffians who have infiltrated our community. That's right, thanks to the limp-wristed, socialist Obama administration, a public skate park has been built right here in America! And let me tell you, the reefer blowing teenage malcontents who frequent the place are a pretty tough crowd.

We ought to fry the lot of them, I say. If electrocution doesn't scare the rest of the kids straight, then lock 'em up in an impenetrable dungeon somewhere. But "no," the damn sergeant says, before I can fire a single round at these youngsters, I have to infiltrate the wild band of older skaters! That's right, the so-called "old fucks" who don't come to the park, but who spread their evil, subversive skate doctrine by selling drugs and whores to these unwitting teenage accomplices.

So, thanks to Sarge, I've been carrying out surveillance on the local park scene for some time now, hoping against hope that the older crew will show up. But so far, it's just me and these little bastards. Believe me, I've come to hate these young communist Anti-Christs! Look at the little bastards skateboarding... right out in public. There's not a single referee anywhere in sight. No common shower. No cheerleaders... No wonder they call these guys "skater queers." I haven't seen one fight break out amongst any of them yet! Oh... wait. There's one. Anyway, these young punks mock upstanding social values with their wild maneuvers and unfettered style of dress... undoubtedly influenced by those scary older fucks whose ungodly, anti-American antics have cost this damn country more than desegregating our armed forces! How are we supposed to invade our neighbors, burn down their cities and rape their women with a bunch of raving homos created by this demonic skate cult! I mean, I even offered to give one of these punks some money if he'd quit skating for just a minute... and he didn't take it! Refusing money! Next thing you know, these kids won't kill for oil, or even for money itself or... (choke, gasp) for God!!!! It's downright sadistic!

Thanks be to God, I met this guy from the Daily Coiler in the parking lot today! Ha ha! He was on an undercover park surveillance mission too, he told me! And, get this, he can get me into the wild ruffian gang of radical skaters whom Sarge says I have to infiltrate... That's right, whom. All I have to do is learn how to skate and I'll fit right in, he says. Hell, he says if I just bring a six pack and my... er, I mean, a blow up doll I'm in. Talk about a score! Plus, get this: He says he'll post my log (he thought that was really funny for some reason) right on this here web site so good citizens everywhere can follow my heroic efforts as I save America's youth by bringing to justice the insane band of skate hoodlums whose communist "citizenship" resulted in this goddamned skate park being constructed by our queer city council.

Can you believe they used taxes to pay for it??? Instead of our tax dollars going to inadequately arm Latin Americans seeking citizenship so as to secure oil revenue for the ultra-rich, destroying not only a country, but an entire geo-political region, those pink-lipped, monkey-docking, cum garglers put money into something constructive!!! Goddamn it... pretty soon those bastards will start funding bullshit like edu-fucking-cation again, just like in the 1980s... in Russia!

Any goddamn way, I figure, since me and Coiler boy are both out of ideas, and especially considering that no one ever sends pictures of these older mutha fuckin' skate hoodlums actually skating, this is good enough for now. So, if you've read this far, we appreciate it, bitch. You're one hell of a loyal Coiler follower. However, let me be the first to warn you: your loyalty may subject you to following my adventures in the coming episodes of Bill McPherson: Undercover Skate Cop!!!!! Or maybe not. Fuck it... The Coiler is only as good as the participation of its citizens. Act now... or watch the goddamn commies take over... again!