Surveillance Log: Day One

Bill McPherson, undercover skate cop here. I've been assigned to carry out surveillance on the local skate park and infiltrate the wild band of radical skate rebels who are corrupting the area youth by promoting their communistic, demonic skate cult. Recently, I met some dumb-ass looking dude who runs this web site who agreed to post my surveillance log for the benefit of concerned citizens everywhere.

Big score today at checkpoint "Loco." A group of the "old fuck" skaters showed up at the park... I knew it was them immediately when their marijuana smoke-clouded Pinto came to a skidding halt against a telephone pole in the parking lot upon arrival. Several impressionable kids from the park immediately approached the vehicle and appeared to purchase various illegal substances from its (clearly) inebriated occupants. In an odd twist of events, another kid seemed to trade some illicit substances of his own for a skateboard. Several of the older commies then proceeded to either urinate or vomit outside the vehicle, one complaining loudly of an uncontrollable crab infestation on his "nut sack" and warning the others not to frequent a particular well-known area brothel.

Suspected Ringleader "Old Crusty Nuts" (File Photo)

The older miscreants then proceeded to lug several coolers of beer and an extremely large marijuana bong over to the park and begin to skate, smoke and drink... excessively. In fact, in all my days on the force, I've never seen a more blatant display of mindless civil disobedience... all of it enveloped in a veritable cloud of the most vile, ungodly language imaginable. The younger park participants seemed rather awed by this demonstration, and several of them were soon heard commenting about their new found desire to check out the aforementioned whorehouse frequented by the older skater, whom everyone referred to as "Crusty Nuts."  He seems to be the ringleader.

Oh, what evil lurks in the hearts of these radical rousers of retarded rabble? The crew of drunken miscreants proceeded to skate the park ruthlessly, only pausing to heckle the younger skaters mercilessly. Several area youths were seen exiting the park in tears, vowing never to skate again (and, if I must editorialize here, thank heavens for that!). Other youths joined in the hazing, imitating these older derelicts in the style and substance of their verbal and physical abuse of the younger "kooks," as they called them. Let me tell you, it took every ounce of professional training as an undercover agent to keep from personally intervening on behalf of these poor youngsters, especially when the older crowd began going "monkey style" on them, which is their description of their despicable habit of literally defecating in their own hands and throwing it at the unsuspecting little ones!

God, how I yearn to lay the heavy hands of American justice, the mighty torch of wholesome law and order on the guilty brows of these wayward hoodlums. But I council patience, my friend! I must bide my time! Having identified Crusty Nuts, it only remains to dredge up evidence on the rest of this incorrigible band of skateboarding, Satan-worshipping hooligans for the forces of righteousness to prevail! My next move? Even now, I'm inflating my blow up doll in the hopes of using it as bait for a conversation piece with these lowlifes; I've been told Tanya will give me instant credibility among this outlaw crew. Once I master their radical skate vernacular, I'll be ready for tomorrow's operation: Infiltration!