You Kick Shit and Fuck Cows?

Dear faithful readers:

The Daily Coiler is very proud to bring to you the first of our promised guest contributions, and  especially proud that our inaugural guest spot is being filled by none other than C Bad, an original Leathasak and Daily Coiler co-founder and contributor. Hopefully C will continue to bring his high quality journalism to the Coiler in the near future.  I believe a standard disclaimer is required for this one, despite that the Coiler secretly does endorse C's views. So, without further ado, "You Kick Shit and..?" Well, I'll let him tell it. Pics are from DC issue #1 back in 2000... and you think the layout of this blog is bad!

So I’m drinking and rapping with this beardo who goes by the handle of El Desmundo, which I believe is Mexican for Desmond.  Anyway, he tells me of this intronet thing and a little place where he tells skateboard stories.  I ask if I might contribute a piece.  He’s pulling a swig when I ask him this and suddenly he spews out brew from his mouth and nose.  He looks up at me, eyes watering, and beer dripping from his nose.  He wipes the slobber from his chin and says “You fucking asshole!”  So I took that as a “sure, write me up a story, you are a talented mutherfucker.” Anyway this story is an all-time favorite, true as shit of course.   

Whether there is a moral to it or not remains to be seen.  Specially since I ain’t sure what morals are. We must have been about 16 or so, still at that scrawny-little-fuck stage, and were driving down the street just after a heated sesh somewhere.  I believe it was three of us, Desmond, Jeff, and me.  Anyway, we’re rolling through a hospital zone where you have to slow down to 15 mph.  This truck pulls up along side of us.  Now we live in the southwest so seeing a beat up pickup filled with real cowboys was nothing unusual.  There was about three of them in a single cab.  Judging by the pubic hair growing on their faces, they were at least of drinking age.  So as they pass us, the driver leans out his window and asks “You all ride skateboards?”  Obviously the genius saw the skateboards piled into the back of the hatchback and put 1+1 together (well done Brokeback!).   

Now while this may seem like an innocent question to most, I should tell you something about skateboarding.  Not too long ago it wasn’t considered cool to be a skateboarder.  What! You say. Not cool?!? That’s right bitch, skateboarding was nothing like it is today. No Boffo and Dildo’s TV skate show or longboarding with the local frat fags or your dad with his cool DC shirt and Hurley hat (are those fags even a skate company?)  Skateboarding was not cool and it still isn’t but that’s another rant.

Anyway, Brokeback asks us if we skateboard.  So Desmond, curious as well, calmly asks him, “Do you kick shit and fuck cows?”  Now, judging by the look on Brokeback’s face, he’s not asked this question very often, if ever.  He seemed quite surprised.  They all seemed quite taken aback, I believe is the phrase.  Come to think of it we were all pretty fucking surprised and laughed our asses off as soon as Desmond blurted this out.  Now I guess these guys take offense to their cow-fuckin' because they were not laughing.  In fact, Brokeback was now hanging half-way out his window and demanding an apology.  Naturally, Desmond calmly replied, “fuck you.”  Now Brokeback just looked utterly confused.  This quickly turned to anger.  It was still funny as shit though. 

So now Brokeback did the only thing he could do.  He pulled his truck in front of us, in the hospital zone, in front of the hospital.  This was pretty surprising to us.  I should mention that in this weird Twilight-Zone-Spaghetti-Western surrealism, there was absolutely no one around.  No other cars, no pedestrians, nothing.  I thought our final showdown had come. So Jeff, who is putting the car into reverse, starts yelling out the window, “This is against the law!”  Brokeback, now parked and blocking the entire road, steps out of his truck, grabs at his ginormous belt buckle and states, “I’ll show you some law boy!” and starts walking toward us.  I swear I fucking heard spurs clinging.  Jeff is now yelling for help, I’m thinking I’m gonna get beat down by HeeHaw, and Desmond is yelling at the dude to get his piece of shit truck out of the way.   

By this time the other Brokebacks have gotten out of the truck and are walking toward us.  “Desmond, just fucking apologize,” Jeff and I say.  So yeah, Desmond said he was just joking and surprisingly those dumbfucks bought it.  Like some sort of weird Cowboy Law where you accept an apology and be on your way, they got back into their truck drove off.  We looked around at each other and started laughing our asses off again and decided to get some beer.  

So the moral of the story… I don’t know.  Maybe it’s be proud of who you are and stand up for yourself.  If you kick shit and fuck cows, be proud of it.  You don’t have to rub it in people's face or brag like you're some fucking rockstar.  Hell, I tried to fuck a cow once.  I was super drunk and so it probably wasn’t the caliber of love making that some of these guys are used to performing.  It was more like cramming an old soggy banana into a wet sock.  Anyway, I’m gonna go skate.

C Bad