*INTERVIEW* Professor C. Ken Choquer

Professor C. Ken Choquer (PhD Yale, 1983) is a pioneer in the cutting edge field of skate anthropology known as "Skathography." The originality and scope of his research into ancient skateboarding culture has made him an influential scholar on a global scale, and has enabled him to land the prestigious endowed chair of Anthropology and Ethnographic Studies at Dartmouth University. His new book, Grinding with the Ancients: The Necrology Fetish Among Skathographers (Berkeley: University of California Press, 2011. 288pp. $54.00) has been hailed as a modern classic. I sat down with Dr. Choquer for a recent interview.

Professor C. Ken Choquer

DC: What's up doc (riotous laughter)? Get it dude? Like fucking Bugs Bunny? You ever seen that shit?
CKC: (Groans) Why, yes. I do remember those rather violent cartoons from my youth.
DC: (Wiping eyes) Damn. I made that shit up. Gotcha huh? That was funny, right?
CKC: Sure. Whatever you say. Do you have any serious questions?
DC: Ok, ok. So, what's "ska..." "skate-i-ology... gy?" What is that shit? Like, can you explain it to dumbasses and shit?
CKC: Well, I'm not sure I can completely bridge the rather dramatic intellectual gulf between myself and "dumbasses," but in layman's terms, Skathography is the study of ancient skate cultures. We especially examine abandoned skate monuments and try to explain how and why they have lost significance among members of today's skateboarding community.
DC: What in thee fuck? In other words, "skatiology... gy" is a bunch of bullshit.
CKC: Not entirely, son. I admit we do take liberties in terms of fabricating evidence in support of our theories, but we have produced serious scholarship nonetheless... er, at least, that's what it says on my curriculum vita.
DC: (Long pause) Whatever, bro. Moving on. So, did "ain't shit" skaters smoke weed?
CKC: You mean "ancient" skaters. Yes. They most certainly did.
DC: How you be knowing that shit, dog?
CKC: Why, we have uncovered massive amounts of un-smoked cannabis at several ancient skateboarding sites. In fact, much of it is still neatly organized in what the ancients called "dime," "twenty," and "OZ sacks."

Ancient Skating Monument

DC: Now we're talking some shit I can understand. So, is any of this "ain't shit" evidence for sale, G?
CKC: Well, the ancients cultivated rather potent cannibis, son. Assuming it were for sale, its value would be immense.
DC: (With furrowed brow, speaking slowly) Well, is it at least possible to examine some of the evidence to check it out first, brah?
CKC: Hmmm... while unorthodox, I think it might be allowable, just this once, to perhaps "examine" the evidence with such a dedicated student as yourself... that is, if you happen to have a light.
DC: (Handing Professor Choquer a lighter) Word... Whoa. What the fuck is that, dog? Is that an "ain't shit" gravity bong, brah?
CKC: I see you've studied your skate artifacts well. Why, yes. It is indeed.
DC: Word, son. Let's burn some shit, yo.
CKC: Er, you seem to be taking quite a few examinatory passes at the evidence... uhm, you're ah, going to go ahead and purchase a sack of the ancient cannibis, I take it?
DC: (Caughs) ....Uh, fuck. Yeah, bro. But, I, uh, left my cash out in the Pinto and shit... Lemme, uh, cruise out there real quick and get you some funds, homie.

Newly Unearthed Skate Ruin

CKC: Uh, excuse me, but you seem to have put on a few pounds there, son. You wouldn't be hiding a few sacks of evidence under your shirt, there, would you?
DC: Nah, dog, I gots some of that ill weed under my... I mean, what? Look, dude, there's some frat muthafucka trying to plagiarize and shit... over there... I'd help bust his ass but my back's killing me, dog.... word, late! I got's to go get an A on a  paper and shit, dog (flees).
CKC: Why, you little cocksucker! You owe me some serious fucking cash for that goddam weed!!
DC: (Voice fading down hallway) Fuck you you chicken chokin' mutha fucka!!
CKC: Blast! Now I'll never get tenure!!

Professor Choquer's research, however contrived, certainly raises important questions about the decline of ancient skate cultures worldwide. His theory, that skateboarders willingly abandoned ritual practices at ancient skate sites in preference for the ease of access characterizing modern skate parks, has generated much controversy among academics. Choquer's critics call him a cocksucker, a fake assed biotch who doesn't know shit. There nevertheless remains the compelling evidence that skaters worldwide have stopped frequenting ancient skateboarding sites, while skate parks, even crappy ones, are over-run by what Choquer has termed "little kooks." Regardless of the controversy over his scholarship, there is no doubt that Professor Choquer's excavation of ancient skate sites continues to turn up voluminous and potent "ain't shit" skate weed, none of which, he maintains, is for sale.